Wednesday, September 03, 2008

the year that Changed

It has taken a month, but finally I have felt what has happened.

I moved. Physically to a new location, and overall. I moved through a year of freedom.

And it all became overwhelming. A year went by that included so much change and excitement that I can barely digest it all right now. A year off of school, with degree in hand, and with many deepened relationships. I have been looking back already, but today I got hit in the stomach. And the tear ducts turned on.

It all came rushing through my head; the road trips, the bible studies, the new friendships, the job experience, the growth in my character and skills (and discovering of skills), the walks with God, the struggles with God, the fight with future plans, the redefining of my purpose in life, the polished world views, the enlightening.

Now I find myself in a basement apartment not too far from where I grew up and hindsight is kicking in. Alternate realities with different choices made, chances to deepen the already deep relationships, to straighten out relationships, to make choices based not only on want and need but instead about God, etc. The past never felt so demanding of me as it did today because my past is what I have to go off of. The other resource, and most important, is trust in God, a trust that says in spite of what opportunities I have messed up, like pressing the blue button instead of the red button, my future is still alright.

I just miss things already that I'm not far from. The regretful things that I could easily mend and help out in more. But I have so much to digest still with this year. In fact, I could be so blind as to want to go back and change the year to be better with what I now know. That is ridiculous. I must press on and let the past be the one tool I use to affect my future, the other of course being trust in God. I might even be disappointed in career goals. But I can't let that affect me. I must respond to the wisdom of God. Where I want to let my year of always saying yes and never saying no dictate me and wish that things can just happen and all I have in terms of responsibility are to find out who I'm hanging out with tonight and whether I work the next day or not, this is where I must let go.

I shed tears realizing that my parents always supported me no matter what I was doing at any time in my life. I shed tears because I have those relationships to figure out more. I shed tears because I found out I cared. It's better to find out that I cared about what I did then to take it all as just something that happened. My one year of freedom has taught me many things, and I shall live out new years with compassion, thankfulness and bigheartedness.

No comments: